UPDATE: Richard Simmons Is Still Gay

LOS ANGELES – Richard Simmons became a household name in the eighties with a string of successful weight loss videos. His trademark bloom of permed hair, his signature short shorts, and his blatant love of the cock made Simmons one of the most recognizable homosexual perverts at a time when such sins were not readily accepted.

The gay trailblazer spoke at a conference yesterday promoting yet another in his series of videos. The newest one, Sweating To The Grave, features morbidly obese elderly people attempting to dance while confined to their deathbed. Simmons claims this newest video will “allow people to die with their multiple chins up, knowing they never gave up on their weight loss goals.”

During the news conference, Simmons was quick to emphasize that he is still very much gay. “In fact, I’m gayer than I’ve ever been in my life,” said Simmons, cackling wildly. After dancing around the podium for ten minutes, Simmons proved his point by pulling down his famous striped shorts and showing everyone in attendance his anus, which resembled partially-digested roast beef strips dangling out of a balloon hole. In a slightly less awkward moment, Simmons blurted out that he currently does not have a significant other, “unless by ‘other’ you mean venereal diseases. In that case, I have several,” said the weight loss guru.

When asked if he ever loved a woman, Simmons smiled and said, “I love every woman who has purchased one of my videos!” When asked if he would ever consider having sex with a woman, Simmons nearly fainted before throwing up on himself. Once recovered, Simmons reinforced the fact that he prefers the cock “all day every day.” He also added that the species of cock is immaterial, “just as long as it shoots that warm love ooze right down my throat and all over my face,” said Simmons.

Simmons’ parents released a statement following the conference, in which they apologized to humanity for unleashing their flaming son on the world.